Gail and sex

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Gail has the unfortunate combination of being hypersexual and yet closely sheltered, expressing both an extreme craving for sex while simultaneously having extremely limited understanding of what it is. Because Gail is a woman of good vintage and formerly married, most would assume that she has a more matured grasp of the basic realities of sex. On the contrary, Gail's sexuality could be best described as being on part with the level of a sheltered teenage girl. Sexual themes define a large portion of Gail's universe and are the subject of most episodes.

As of note, this page was the first page on the wiki Gail felt she needed to address in one of her videos in a counterargument.


Sexual Expression

In part due to her psychosis, Gail's sexuality is expressed in cartoonish, hyperbolic ways. Most of it is twisted and surreal, in some sense painting her as a kind of bizarre, sexual Picasso as she colors her unique hallucinatory world.

Gail's enemies, the Jesuit Order, have weapons and characters crafted almost entirely out of sexual themes. Jesuits frequently engage in bukkake, bestiality with physically unworkable animals such elephants and giraffes, and sometimes recreational rape among themselves. Their weapons arsenal includes an elite team of seductive homewreckers, sexual mind control drugs, a torture compound dedicated entirely to homosexual rape, laser beams that turn people into rapists, and even a nuclear bomb filled with radioactive semen. All of the worst Jesuit villains have superhuman sexual powers -- their leader, Zack Knight. has sex with 100 women a day. Rule 13 can explode penises with her mind. Sara Avery can eat people with her vagina. There is almost nothing about the Jesuit Order that doesn't revolve around a basic sexual theme.

All of Gail's men frequently endure exotic forms of rape, which Gail likes to describe in obsessive, graphic detail. Most of the acts endured by her men are physically impossible (such as Brent being forced to have sex with an elephant and not dying). None of it is at all upsetting to Gail, and in fact Gail seems to thrive on it. What is perhaps most disquieting is that whenever one of her men endures some kind of horrifying sexual trauma, Gail typically responds by having sex with them and/or making nude videos to "heal" them. This has led some to believe that Gail actually enjoys it, and may have a fetish related to her men being tortured sexually.

Not even the humble and sterile confines of religion are safe, as she even sees Jesus as a potential sex partner and she fantasizes about him ejaculating inside her in Heaven. In spring of 2012 when Gail thought that Jesus talking to her as a voice in her head brain to brain, she withdrew from the Internet and spent her entire two week vacation from WalMart masturbating obsessively, neglecting to eat, bathe or attend chores. The men quickly scrambled to fix this, lest Gail go completely off the deep end. Gail was informed by her men that Jesus was really a Jesuit impostor, and it was the evil Zack Knight she was having sex with. Fearing a devil pregnancy, Gail backed off of the sexual encounters, but only slightly. She instead decided she would masturbate to the thought of Brent, but cum for Jesus. The men warned her not to do that either. After that, Gail decided she would read the Bible to be close to Jesus instead, but claims to have experienced orgasms while reading scripture. Eventually, Jesus had to get on Skype to friend zone Gail and explain to her that only Brent would have her sexually, and that he could not. To appease her continued desires for him however, he told her that if she was good and followed his directions on Earth, he would join Brent and Gail on their wedding day in Heaven to have a threesome. Gail was satisfied.


Failing to understand intimacy, Gail has a tendency to insert her overt sexuality in places where it doesn't belong, selfishly walking over the personal sexual boundaries of her lovers during inappropriate times. In late 2011 shortly before the trial, when Brent Spiner remembered his rape of Loree McBride and fell into a deep depression, Gail attempted to heal him by making nude videos of herself, and insisting they have a lot of sex to make the memories of rape go away. She has similarly responded to the rapes of other men by making nude videos and having sex with them in a misguided attempt to straighten them back out. This may be in part due to the fact that Gail is turned on by her men being tortured, but it can also be related to the fact that Gail doesn't understand how deeply personal sex is for most people, and can't grasp the idea that sex would be the last thing on the mind of a person who is having an emotional breakdown (especially if the source of the trauma is sexual in nature).

When Vladimir Putin had a near fatal heart attack, rendering him unable to have sex with Gail, "he" (Gail) volunteered Matthew McConaughey as his replacement for a month. Although this was probably just an excuse to allow Gail to have sex with Matthew without cheating, the implication of this situation suggests that Gail has needs that can't go unattended to for a month while her husband recovers in the hospital, and would easily substitute another man for this purpose. She praises Vladimir for his valor in allowing her a sexual surrogate, as if this was at all necessary to begin with. This falls in line with the theme of Gail being selfish when it comes to sex, needing it regardless of her partner's feelings at the time, as well as lacking a feel for what actual intimacy is, something that for most people would only be obtainable from one's long term emotional partner rather than easily extended to a stranger that they just happened to find hot at the time.

Gail admits that her ideal view of sex comes from the romance movies she enjoys, citing books and films such as The Thornbirds and Camelot as her ideal vision of how sex and love should be.

I watched over and over the scenes of Camelot that showed off Franco Nero in all his manly glory. I especially liked the scene where Lancelot was knighted. Oh, how manly and glorious he looked in his countenance as the sword glittered on both his shoulders as the king knighted him for the Round Table ... So Franco Nero became my new manly hero, to replace Brent. And how manly he was in the way he made love to the Queen, how he made love to her like a hero, with valor and courage, and the way he sang to her, “If Ever I Would Leave You.”... I introduced myself to Franco Nero on the phone and Franco took Brent’s place.

Basically, Gail dreams about cliche, safe for TV love scenes which she sees as a model for how real sex should work and indeed, how real romance between real couples should work. Gail will not tolerate anything less than perfect Hollywood romance in her reality, which has no doubt impaired the way she views sex and relationships. Her sex fantasies are shallow, layered thick with meaningless cliches, and her partners are easily replaceable.

Brain to Brain Loving

In the 90's Vladimir Putin introduced the concept of brain to brain communication and with it, brain to brain loving, to Gail. He introduced the technology by one day manifesting as a voice speaking to Gail in her head, seducing her with sexy talk and demanding she go into the next room to have wild, passionate telepathic sex. Her mom was in the next room during this time.

Since this day, Gail has engaged in similar sexual acts with several other men on her marriage list, and regularly does it with Brent Spiner. This currently her primary level of sexual activity and she takes it very seriously.

Brain to Brain loving amounts to Gail laying in bed under the covers with a pillow on top of her as she masturbates externally.

Sexual Morals

As a well behaved Christian girl, Gail strictly believed in no sex before marriage and went to intense lengths to prevent it from happening. During the time she was dating her ex-husband David Schuler, they never once hugged, touched or kissed, so as not to risk temptation and sexual arousal.

Gail's morals would hit a frustrating impass when she began to cheat on her husband with Brent Spiner (which would later lead her to create some self-serving loopholes to fix it). She told Brent she would not have sex with him because she was married, but was apparently okay with emotional cheating and phone sex.

When Gail divorced her husband, she started to have brain to brain sex with Vladimir Putin and various other men, including Brent Spiner. Gail claims that brain to brain sex is not only on equal level with real sex, but that it is better than real sex. However, to guard her sexual integrity, she creates several levels of cognitive dissonance to make sure all of her moral bases are covered should she be questioned about it from any angle.

When confronted with the fact that she is not married to Brent Spiner, she claims that sex, including brain to brain sex, is marriage in the eyes of God. Therefore, if she has had sex with Brent Spiner, they are married, which makes the sex okay. The sex=marriage concept runs into a few walls when one considers that she has had brain to brain sex with several men, and furthermore that none of these men are virgins, which should mean that all of them are already married at the time she is having sex with them, and that Gail herself is still officially married to her ex husband. Even when this issue is ignored, the sex=marriage argument falls apart completely whenever she is confronted with the fact then that she is sleeping with multiple men at the same time, in which case she changes her argument to an entirely opposite claim that she has only had real sex with her ex-husband, and that the brain to brain sex doesn't count.

Update: When Gail was confronted with the arguments presented on this page, she finally decided on a new catch all argument claiming that Jesus made a special exception for her to have multiple husbands.

Basically, no matter which way the concept is attacked, Gail has a means to explain that she is not engaging in any taboo sexual behavior.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of Gail's sexual morals is the fact that she had no problem with her son having sex with his half sister.

Unrealistic Expectations

I know what's involved in sex! I went to nursing school!



Gail's fight with reality may explain (some of) the lack of physical knowledge she appears to display, even though she had a (presumably) decent amount of actual physical sex with her ex-husband. And went to nursing school. Regardless of the causes or reasons, Gail has a number of bizarre and surprising beliefs about sex.

  • Brent Spiner's penis is roughly 18 inches long
  • Vladimir's girth is more than 2.5 inches in diameter
  • In a Skype call in summer of 2012 with Brent, Gail admits that she did not know that men had nipples
  • In a Skype call in summer of 2012 with Terry and Brent, Gail did not know what the missionary position referred to, or what spooning was
  • Gail did not realize that it would be physically impossible for a man to have sex with a cat
  • Gail uses "bukkake" both as a verb, and a noun referring to "a lot of semen"
  • Gail believes that a man having sex with 100 women a day is actually possible

See Also

The Dildo
Gail and Romance

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